It's been a crazy few weeks. Zoukout was a great experience but not something I would do again.

I lacked focus when I was there. I went there with the wrong mindset and that is the MOST important thing to bring along with me. Unfortunately, I was and have been clouded by recent events and so were my thoughts.

It was not a case of confidence or nervousness.

Simply said, I went there without an objective. I was unsure right from the start.

Rumors are going around saying there'll be another one in January in Malaysia. If it does happen, should I go?
Is it to prove to myself and others that I can do it with the right frame of mind? That there wasn't anything lacking in me or my personality? Or am I there really because I want another shot at flying with them? I don't know.

When the time comes I trust that I shld know what to do.

I am disappointed in myself for not preparing myself mentally and for being distracted easily.

I am disappointed because i have done it once successfully and I believe I can do it again yet I failed this time around; unfortunately due to circumstances that are very emotional-driven. And because I did not do some soul searching and actual sit-down mental preparation.

At that moment, it seemed perfectly fine to me because it was no great loss. In fact I only saw the bright sides and immediately smiled when they didn't call my name. I knew what I could look forward to.

But after tonight, I have doubts, not because of the job but because of my thoughts. Itay not be all flower beds and roses and soft sheets.

I came across an old bump today. That could still trip me and make me stumble a lil after so long. What does that say? That the last few weeks and the interview didn't matter at all. My mind was clouded with thoughts and fantasies and dreams that are difficult to realize. But when in that mode, everything seemed possible and beautiful.

I was told today that someones fren has been chosen to be stationed in holland for 1 yr due to work. And he's planning to propose to his girlfriend of 5 yrs in order for her to come along with him under spousal visa. Granted that he's 27 and I'm not, but I still crave for a life like this.

We talked about it n it what are the chances? Close to none in my opinion. That's alot of possibilities and probabilities there to be calculated before one can reach an end result like that.

I believe that my life can't be as easy and happy as that. I used to think otherwise until this year. When I can see that God will throw at u wat u can take at the age he thinks u can handle it. Now I really believe that life is never that easy. It was just coincidence and sheer luck that I've been blessed to be borned Into a family as such.

I'm uncertain already. In just one night.